Breaking Habits Volume 3: Self-Limiting Talk

How often do you unconsciously say things to other people that minimize your self-worth or potential? How often do you casually put yourself down, or apologize for things that aren’t “yours” in conversation? Do you even know?

I think a lot of us understand by now that it doesn’t serve us to over-apologize or severely self-deprecate when speaking to people who we respect, or to our loved ones (they will usually correct us anyway). But there are a lot more insidious ways that our words may be limiting our potential without our knowledge or awareness.

At the risk of doing it right now, just for the point I am making… I will admit that until very recently, I had been guilty of doing this my entire life! It would come out in subtle ways, usually stemming from unresolved feelings around my finances. It usually sounded like me explaining why I couldn’t afford something, or talking about past circumstances that affected my current life and prospects, or why I was stressed out, or burning the candle at both ends being a working mother, etc. It would spring forth in almost every conversation with friends, both new and old. I wasn’t complaining, or seeking sympathy or commiseration! It was my way of being genuine and open and seeking the wisdom of people I either trusted or wanted to get to know better. By being vulnerable like that and talking it out I often felt better in the short-term, because I have always believed that you have to honor where you are before you can move forward. I didn’t feel shame about it or think much of it… I was just venting.

I also knew deep down that I wanted to overcome this kind of self-talk, because I know enough about the power of our words to understand that I was the only person truly perpetuating any life circumstances I wasn’t satisfied with. And... I found it very hard to stop doing it, which caused me to question, “Why?” Why was it so much more comfortable in those moments to say something negative about myself or my life than something optimistic? I often felt like the most optimistic person I knew – so why didn’t my words reflect that? I would be the first person to tell you that I loved myself and knew my worth. But my behavior wasn’t matching that belief. My unconscious mind, through my words, was illuminating something deeper that needed attention and healing.

There are some very powerful people out there talking about re-writing our neural pathways through our thoughts and words, and the science behind it – the clearest example for me being Dr. Joe Dispenza. I had listened to a lot of his talks in the past, and I found them extremely fascinating. You could truly change your life this way, no matter where you were starting from. I agreed with every word and concept at the time! But here I was, years later, still stuck in my old patterns. I have always been a student on "all things personal growth," so I wasn't exactly sitting on my laurels. But this one habit just wouldn't quite let go!

Then I was introduced to Metabolic Balance by way of a mutual friend of author Jane Durst Pulkys. It began with a sneak preview of Jane’s new book, The Metabolic Balance Kitchen – then quickly evolved into my taking the course to become a Metabolic Balance Coach. But there was something else that happened within this rapid-fire time warp which brought me from my “old life” into my “new one” (because yes, that IS how it feels)! I’ll never forget the day that I was brought into this exciting world, with the book launch coming up and this mission to get me up and running as a coach in time for all the media attention. I had never been more pumped up about anything in my life – but then I had a moment of doubt! It went like this in my mind: “How am I going to do this? I’m not a public persona. I’m just a mom. I don’t know what I’m doing. They’re not going to listen to me or respect me.” It was a laundry list of negative self-talk, all running in the background whether I consciously agreed with a word of it.

I needed a moment to sit back and digest it all. It was about two course modules into the coaching program that I stopped and took a breath. And in that moment, I found myself looking up a few things about Jane online. It was then that I discovered this little gem of a book that she had written a few years before called The Book on Confidence. I realized then and there that THIS was what I needed most... this was where I had to start. What I was lacking was simply the confidence to see this through! I immediately bought the eBook and read the whole thing in less than 24 hours. I did the exercises and found them profoundly helpful and insightful. I learned a lot about myself. And I was able to complete the course and launch my coaching business without ever looking back or doubting myself again! Now I am appearing on podcasts and launching my Instagram video campaign and just having fun with every moment. The book really did help me THAT much.

How exactly did it help? Not only was Jane so warm and relatable – which makes her success as a coach and author so totally inspiring, but she gave a lot of very simple tips to follow that changed my self-talk. One of the things she explains is how the “7 deadly words” – can’t, should, if, or, need, must, and try, are the biggest saboteurs of our success. So, I did my best to eliminate them. It took some getting used to, but I have to say that the positive effects when I changed my words were almost instantaneous! By simply changing my self-talk, I went from "that girl" above to earning a wonderful living doing something I thoroughly enjoy in just a few months. That is a pretty big claim, and it's totally true. I highly recommend reading this book and giving this new habit a try. It’s so simple, yet so profoundly satisfying when you actually put into practice and see the results!!!

I could tell you a lot more about the book, but I’m going to do one better. I’m going to include it in my welcome package for all new clients going forward (and to my existing clients, this is my holiday gift to you)!

With love,

Nicole